I am in no way comparing myself to Judas, morally. Only using the most recognizable traitor of all times to depict my feelings towards myself. I feel I am my own Judas, for there have been too many years I have betrayed myself.
It was not for riches, but fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be as good others would like me to be. So as a chameleon I changed anything unpleasing to others so I could blend in and just seem normal. Not anything over the top or overly glorifying, just enough to fit in.
Now before you start thinking that there is something freakishly wrong with me, I’m just saying my shortcomings to me are weaknesses. Most times things I can’t help. Yet in a society that glorifies fake beauty and standards, my weaknesses are viewed as inadequacies.
All this coupled with past failures in major life departments (love & friends), it leaves one feeling a bit cast off. The one true feeling of love I’ve always have and remain strong is with God. Yet even though I talk to him often, the feeling of invisibility on the earth often creeps it’s way back into bed with me.
Follow me on the journey of reverse isolation. I’m trying to pack away my social anxieties, anti social tendencies, & lack of faith in love.
-M. “Judas” Anderson
It’s admirable to be yourself, but realize and work on your weaknesses, and maintain your strengths—even if others have issues with it. There’s nothing “freakish” about that; we are all “works in progress”….even those who give the illusion of having it all figured out.