To truly know me is to know where I’ve been. There isn’t a person out there who knows me that doesn’t realize just how disenchanted I am with love. I gave my heart away years ago, and till this day I can’t feel my heart beating.
Young love, is foolish love. You know how you find that one person who just stops everything you know and makes you feel like you’ve never had a feeling without them. Like you never breathed or saw things as freely or clearly. You say to yourself, there is no way I could live without them. And tell yourself that there is no way you WOULD live without them.
Fast forward years of depression, regrets, & an ice boxed heart. You look back and analyze things, and see them from a more mature view. I shouldn’t have lied. I should have been more forthcoming. Maybe it was not her fault for choosing what was best for her at that moment. Still it hurts no less. How do you fight the temptations of a loveless world, full of beautiful women and opportunities? It’s not that I’m not surrounded by gorgeous women everyday. Or that they possess qualities any less of “heR”. It’s just that my soul knows that she was it.
It’s that free will, that gets you everytime. All I had to do, was follow God’s word. It was lie that broke us apart, and I was guilty. Not of the common “relationship lies”, but one of my own custom doing. The blame of other’s is gone, because it was my responsibility to know better. I should have trusted in who I knew her to be. I should have trusted that she would have understood, if given a chance to make the choice herself. It was my growing up, that triggered that understanding.
I love her. I can’t even shake the feeling till this day. I can’t deny it, I can’t hide it, I can’t get over it. I hurt her because her understanding of me was forced upon her. She wasn’t given a chance to see me stripped free of the mask, sins, and arrogance. I came to the conclusion years ago, after years of disregard on her part that I should just leave her alone.
You know the inner stalker in us all wants to just talk to them one more time. Just hear their voice. You wonder what they are doing, where they are, what they’ve accomplished. I kept thinking if she has gotten married, or had children I could finally let it go. I would know that because she’s moved on and because of who she was, that God would have delivered her a soul mate. Meaning, I just wasn’t it. Then maybe I could believe that there was possibly someone else out there for me. And I emailed her for years, begging her just to respond back to me. Till one day during a conversation with God, I just asked him to forgive me.
Here I am, able to wake up every morning. I have a good job, place to stay, I am blessed in so many ways. Why am I being so selfish? I have no idea what effect our break-up had on her. I only know that she wasn’t the type of person to ignore me if she wanted anything to do with me. Which meant that all I was doing was being a nuisance to her. All i was doing was reminding her of the years I wasted of her life. Although we were extremely happy for it all to end like it did seemed like a waste (at least to her). So I asked God to just bless her with happiness & love, and in return I’d leave her alone. I’d stop asking him to mend our love.
So for that, I hope she is happy. I hope she’s married with kids and with someone who loves her to the capacity of his ability. I can’t bear to say, “love her more than me..” because I don’t think it’s possible. To Live, is to Let go. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do either!
