Love Lock Down

 

It’s almost that twilight hour, and I’ve just been talked into my love lock down cage.  It’s like I can give advice for days to everyone else, but when it comes to myself I’m at a loss. Companionship isn’t even high on my list, yet that natural urge creeps up my spine at times and taps me on the shoulder. It would be much easier if women were just hard wired like men. Yet, I’m sure we wouldn’t be as attracted if they were.

How can a woman know you love her, and only her…yet ignore it? Aren’t women supposed to be the more compassionate of the two. I’m just blowing smoke right now, the woman I’m speaking of has no clue I’m still madly in love with her. Why she stays on my mind, i have no clue. I think people truly do ignore “soul mates” sometimes. I’ve participated in many arguments that, “If you are truly soul mates, or meant to be…you will be”. I don’t believe that!

What about people who die young, what happens to their soul mates? Or people who marry out of convenience, not love. Obviously, they did not marry their soul mate. So then what? All these halved people wondering around, waiting for someone no longer on earth or already bonded into a loveless marriage? It can be argued that, the union will happen in heaven.

THAT SUCKS!…Not to sound unappreciative, but what are us “halved” people suppose to do till then? When you know that the person you’re suppose to love is no long an option on this earth, what do you do till then? If you truly believe that, then you can’t enter into a situation where you occupy someone else’s soul mate. You don’t want to be alone, God doesn’t intend us to be alone. So do you keep hope alive that you are just completely wrong, and your soul mate is out there somewhere waiting for you. Or do you just cope with the loneliness and wait for the reward? 

*sigh*..decisions decisions!

Thoughts of “heR”

 

 

“Suppressing feelings just delays, the time they show in other ways.”- Mike Star

 

I thought by writing about my unresolved love the other day I was again just venting away my sorrows. Yet it had me tossing and turning all night. Thinking about “heR” (I capitalize the “R” because that’s the letter her name begins with), and everything I had said. Truth is, she was the best thing that had ever happen to me. She was my best friend, girlfriend, soul mate…you name it, she was everything! She taught me what love was about.

She taught me 1 Corinthians 13:4, but here’s the trick. If you use the King James Version it’s actually 1 Corinthians 14:4. I like to challenge people who spout out the verse to show it to me. Nevertheless, she taught me that scripture. And I know people will argue that it’s the most used and abused verse from the bible. But till this day, because of her..it’s my favorite. I remember she bought me a belt (which i have on right now) and made me a green basket with the little easter basket filler. And glued some rocks to it with different words on it. And wrote out “Love is Patient, Love is kind..”. It sounds really simple, but it’s still my favorite gift to date.  That picture above it not the actual picture. It would be really cool if it was, but it isn’t. Most of the letters, gifts, and memorabilia from that era in my life are discarded or packed away except..:

 

I’ve carried this cheap trinket in my wallet for over 11+ years. I know you can’t tell what it is. But it was one of those, “you keep this side, I keep that side” chains. It was the hotness back in the day. I remember me and my cousin went and bought them. He bought a little key and lock. And I bought this one and they had bible scriptures on them. Long story short, I gave it to her and I’m pretty sure it’s tarnished in somebody’s landfill right now. That’s commitment though, should show you just how pitiful I am! Funny side story, my cousin recently found his so now we’re both living in the past.

Needless to say, I’m in love with the ghost of my past relationship. I’m sure she’s not the same person she was years ago. I’m sure if you mentioned my name to her, she might cringe but go on with her life. I’m on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Every time I hear her name, my heart stops. I used to have a heartbreak kid’s club, but most of my friends got over their first loves. They’ve all become husbands, fathers, or hoes. Either way, I’m the only person still mourning “What could have been…”. The only one still trusting that God will deliver me love if it is intended for me to have it. Aawh!
 

To Understand Unresolved Love..

 

To truly know me is to know where I’ve been. There isn’t a person out there who knows me that doesn’t realize just how disenchanted I am with love. I gave my heart away years ago, and till this day I can’t feel my heart beating.

Young love, is foolish love. You know how you find that one person who just stops everything you know and makes you feel like you’ve never had a feeling without them. Like you never breathed or saw things as freely or clearly. You say to yourself, there is no way I could live without them. And tell yourself that there is no way you WOULD live without them.

Fast forward years of depression, regrets, & an ice boxed heart. You look back and analyze things, and see them from a more mature view. I shouldn’t have lied. I should have been more forthcoming. Maybe it was not her fault for choosing what was best for her at that moment. Still it hurts no less. How do you fight the temptations of a loveless world, full of beautiful women and opportunities? It’s not that I’m not surrounded by gorgeous women everyday. Or that they possess qualities any less of “heR”. It’s just that my soul knows that she was it. 

It’s that free will, that gets you everytime. All I had to do, was follow God’s word. It was lie that broke us apart, and I was guilty. Not of the common “relationship lies”, but one of my own custom doing. The blame of other’s is gone, because it was my responsibility to know better.  I should have trusted in who I knew her to be. I should have trusted that she would have understood, if given a chance to make the choice herself. It was my growing up, that triggered that understanding.

I love her. I can’t even shake the feeling till this day. I can’t deny it, I can’t hide it, I can’t get over it. I hurt her because her understanding of me was forced upon her. She wasn’t given a chance to see me stripped free of the mask, sins, and arrogance. I came to the conclusion years ago, after years of disregard on her part that I should just leave her alone.

You know the inner stalker in us all wants to just talk to them one more time. Just hear their voice. You wonder what they are doing, where they are, what they’ve accomplished. I kept thinking if she has gotten married, or had children I could finally let it go. I would know that because she’s moved on and because of who she was, that God would have delivered her a soul mate. Meaning, I just wasn’t it. Then maybe I could believe that there was possibly someone else out there for me. And I emailed her for years, begging her just to respond back to me. Till one day during a conversation with God, I just asked him to forgive me.

Here I am, able to wake up every morning. I have a good job, place to stay, I am blessed in so many ways. Why am I being so selfish? I have no idea what effect our break-up had on her. I only know that she wasn’t the type of person to ignore me if she wanted anything to do with me. Which meant that all I was doing was being a nuisance to her.  All i was doing was reminding her of the years I wasted of her life. Although we were extremely happy for it all to end like it did seemed like a waste (at least to her). So I asked God to just bless her with happiness & love, and in return I’d leave her alone. I’d stop asking him to mend our love.

So for that, I hope she is happy. I hope she’s married with kids and with someone who loves her to the capacity of his ability. I can’t bear to say, “love her more than me..” because I don’t think it’s possible. To Live, is to Let go. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do either!